Seriously?

I just re-wrote and re-read a few of my entries.

And many of them have the word "hurt" in them.

It made me realize that I am hurting so much...I have a wife that would spit on me rather than kiss me. I have...well, now that I think about it...aside from that, I have nothing.

I'm just old and tired. I thought for a brief f-ing moment, I might have love in my life again...but, just like the water heater that doesn't work in my house, that's not gonna happen. So I will relegate myself to an area, a room for the next few weeks. I will be purposeful, I will do what is required of me.

But I will not be happy, joyous and free.

I don't think I ever will be.

So much love to give...and no one will take it from me.

And now you see me for real. In darkness .

And I am afraid. I am afraid of myself and my thoughts.

I am alone...hurting and frightened.

There Is Love...

Sometimes, when you think you are loved...you aren't. And sometimes when you think you aren't loved, you are.

I am just a man...how am I to figure this whole thing out?

I'm tired and beaten...beaten down and beaten close to death.

All I want is to hold someone and love her...

That's all....

Is that so much to ask?

"If I could, I would be,

Old and wise, knowing all there is to know

Then I'd answer right,

Every time,

If I could."

I have other issues to discuss here, but, first, I had to pay tribute to John. Yes, he would have been 70 years old this year, just a few days ago. Had he not been killed who knows? What music would he have given the world, us, me in the last thirty years. We will never know. But, suffice to say, we miss you John...we have for a very long time.

Now, onto new business. The Rock And The Hard Place. Guess where I am? I won't go into detail but I am there and I have no f***ing idea what to do. I'm frightened because my world will soon come crashing down around me. I see it coming and there isn't a GD thing I can do about it.

So...with that, I remain,

Faithfully yours,

The NightFly

ps: Maybe I should stop getting up in the morning!

Amnesia

My brother sent me a song tonight. I don't believe he knew what it meant to me.

Yo lo quierdo....I think that is what the singer is singing...

I do know this, he is saying, "I don't remember"...

But, I do. I remember. I remember all of the friends I have lost, through attrition (sp?), because of what I am...I have a disease. It's not catching, it's just a disease that hurts the people around me.

But I remember you all...I love you very much, I miss you very much and I hurt...my heart hurts because I don't have you in my life anymore.

Because of my disease.

I'm sorry. I apologize. I am sorry and I can never take it back.

I can only think of you, love you, remember you...I can't even hope that you will come back to me someday. Because I know you never will.

But I can do what I can do today and step one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

I'm sorry. I am getting healthy now...

I wish I was healthy then...maybe we would still be friends.

For my life, still ahead, pity me.

Hiya!

Here I am again...

Someone I thought was going to be a "person of interest", as they put it in the crime shows...well, I am alone again!

I have very special feelings for this woman...and I want to be with her.

I don't know why I can't be...

I love...

Just a pool of tears